Lately, I’ve been mad at God.
Even though it’s been two years since my bipolar diagnosis, I still struggle to accept it. I struggle to take advantage of the life I currently live, and look back to the past when I was free of the shackles of mental illness.
Most days, I live freely and resiliently and face depression and anxiety and mood swings headfirst. I am unafraid and bold and empowered to beat this illness, to be more than my state of mind and heart.
Some days, I can’t help but weep: I mourn for the life I once had, I mourn for the dreams I used to chase. I can’t help but get down on my knees in anger and physically scream at God, “How could you do this to me?!”
I still work through it.
I don’t know if there’s a right way to be mad at God. I’m sure there are devotional and self-help books to get me there, but my main approach is to learn along the way.
Some days that looks like skipping out on church. Other days it’s skipping out on prayer. It’s a boycott from trying to let Him in, a silent and peaceful protest against the hurt He’s allowed.
And yet, other days it looks like attending church and crying during worship. It’s praying to God and begging Him to be closer than ever, because I just don’t feel Him near me anymore.
Grief is married to anger —
Or so it has been in my experience. Along with this anger comes this utter sadness I cannot seem to shake. It’s just as hard to succumb to as the anger.
How can we grieve well? How can we mourn?
I’m not quite sure, but it in my life, it’s been a very similar approach to anger: rejecting any opportunity to come close to God, or falling on my knees to beg Him to be near.
I hope one day I’ll move past this.
Past the anger and grief. Past the fear and doubt. Past the unknowing and feeling of being lost. I know one day I will get there, but today is not that day. It doesn’t have to be today. It’s OK to not be OK, and I need to learn to accept that.
I hope you’re not in my shoes, battling anger and grief against God and your circumstances. But if you are, know that you are not alone, and you can overcome this. I hope you find a support system and can practice healthy steps of self-care.
I hope you find resiliency in your head and heart and know you will thrive, even if it’s not today. Especially if it’s not today.