It’s OK To Not Be OK

I didn’t used to believe this.

As an innate perfectionist and middle child, I thought I had to be a good daughter, student and Christ follower growing up. I thought I had to portray myself as flawless and angelic and worthy to be praised.

I thought if I didn’t act good enough, then I wasn’t good enough.

Thankfully, when diagnosed with bipolar disorder (who thought those words would go back-to-back), my perfectionism addiction shattered and I learned how to be human, how to not be OK.

I learned my disorder was out of my control, it will be a forever plague and affliction I cannot physically maintain.

I learned to be brave and transparent about my illness in hopes others who struggle themselves or support those who do will be able to relate and respond to my story.

I learned it’s OK to not be OK, it’s OK to admit failure and hurt and darkness and shame. It’s OK to wear a broken heart on my sleeve, to declare my devastation and desperation when I truly hit rock bottom.

“It’s OK, you’ll be OK.”

My sweet friend Rosie promised at one of my lowest moments this year. I was brokenhearted over broken friendships, I missed dear loved ones who were long gone, I basked in bitterness and regret and hurt.

Though I didn’t think it would be OK in the moment, she was absolutely right. I wasn’t OK the next day. And I wasn’t the next week. But the next month I was.

I overcame the friendship plague and persevered through a plethora of trials. I handed my hurt over to that Jesus Man and he cradled me in his arms as he cooed I will be alright and his Father has a plan.

It’s OK to not be OK.

If you’re not OK, you will be one day. It may be further than you would like and it may take more effort than wanted, but you will be. I promise.

If you are OK, you won’t be one day. It will likely come when you least expect it, but you will overcome. You will survive.

I’m not OK about 50% of the time. I am depressed and socially shut off and distant. But the other 40% of the time, I’m very OK. I live well, laugh often and love deeply. I don’t just survive, I thrive.

It’s OK to not be OK. That’s just how life works.

xx, mae

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